With voicemail like this, who needs enemies?  

Posted by doug

The voicemail system at my work is unnecessarily complicated1. Most voicemail systems have a number that you dial, or even a button on your phone that just goes to voicemail, right?2 Not here. The following is an almost verbatim exchange that I just had to go through to get my messages.

Dial 1-9-093873-43289 and then Pi to the 33rd digit.
dial extension
dial password
"Latitude and Longitude of the Men's Room in the Taj Mahal?"
dial latitude and longitude of the men's room in the Taj Mahal. I'd rather not get into how I know this.
"What is Foreigner's best song ever?"
"Uh, I don't know. Dirty White Boy?"
"That was a trick question. Foreigner sucks."
"Well, I though some of their early stuff was pretty good."
"Nope, they suck. What do you want?"
"Can I have my messages please?"
"Because I want to know what the people who called me want from me."
"The free clinic called. Your urine should turn a normal color in about three days."
"Yeah, that's great. Anyway, the real messages?"
[High pitched voice]"The real messages?"
"Real classy, voicemail."
[High pitched voice] "Real classy, voicemail."
"I work in IT. I know where the voicemail machine sits. It's in a darkly lit room full of heavy tools. I have the key to that room - and a free afternoon."
"Connecting you to your voicemail now, sir."

1. As opposed to necessary complications
2. Pause for answer

Flying SUX  

Posted by doug

I like to give credit when someone finally says, "Ah, screw it - it's not worth fighting about." If all of the people in the world that I disagreed with had that attitude, I'd be a happier man1.

Every airport has a three-letter code that it uses for everything from luggage and ticket identification to ... well, luggage and ticket identification. This code is given by the Federal Aviation Administration, generally during the annual Boeing Beer Bong Barnstormer Blast2. Apparently, Sioux City, Iowa, forgot the "B" portion of the BYOB3 and angered the wrong folks, as they were saddled with SUX for their identifier. They fought it for years, petitioning in 1988 and again in 2002. The FAA, apparently a frat at Ohio State, offered a few alternatives, one of which was GAY.

Now the good people of Sioux City4 have just given up and embraced their innner SUX. They sell "Fly SUX" shirts and hats from their new website, Fly SUX.com.

1. Wow, you're a jerk.
2. I have no proof for this whatsoever.
3. Well, the second B, anyway.
4. Also referred to as the Stevensons.

Want proof?

I did my civic duty!1  

Posted by doug

Yesterday was voting day. We tend to be very political in this house, but it's hard to get worked up about the local stuff. Governor, Lt. Governor, state commissioners, sure, that's important. But for the local stuff, we tend to just vote against whomever we don't like (and in most cases, the ones we voted against actually won). Unless the reincarnated corpse of Hitler is on the ballot, we're just not that concerned. Although, where we live, if he had an "R" behind his name, he'd probably win.

"But he's for the wholesale slaughter of the jews!"
"Sure, but he wouldn't raise our taxes to do it."

1Ha, I said "duty".

Good news, everyone!  

Posted by doug

Sen. David Vitter has reversed his previous misappropriation to the group who would push creationism in Louisiana public schools.

To quote the article:

Vitter went to the Senate floor Wednesday and announced that "to avoid more hysterics," he wanted to shift the money to science and computer labs in the Ouachita Parish schools.

Avoid more hysterics? Wow, can you be any more passive-aggressive? I hear that Manson stopped murdering people "to avoid more hysterics".

Vitter then kicked a puppy and stumbled down to the nearest service station where he drank a quart of motor oil.

For Larry's sake, enough with the footnotes  

Posted by doug

There was talk on the radio1 about teenage drinking, smoking, and drugging2. I don't currently have any teenage children3, but that won't stop me from espousing my hare-brained ideas. The US, while not alone in its rates of teenage drinking, certainly suffers from it more than many other nations. Look at Europe4, for example. I can't be bothered to actually look up some figures, but let's assume that their rates are much lower. I have to wonder if its because they treat alcohol like an everyday thing - it's no big deal. It's like water. It's not uncommon to let their 16-year-olds drink wine with dinner. Now, assuming that European teenagers are like American teenagers5, they are mortified by their parents. Anything that their parents do or let them do cannot possibly be cool. Ergo6, if their parents let them drink alcohol, then alcohol must be one of the most mundane and boring substances on Earth7.

1. Or redio, as I like to call it - I prefer pronunciations that make me sound like an old man
2. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
3. Because there is a god, his name is Larry, and he likes me for now
4. Put down the Star Wars action figures and look at it, already
5. Except for their awesome accents
6. From the Latin 'ergoes', meaning, "A prick is about to make his point"
7. Like Boron. Zing!