His holy potty mouth  

Posted by doug

So I go to the bank, right, and teller is making this face like she doesn't want to make change for a dollar...


What the hell?


I, uh, I think you mean the literary voice, because...




It's quite an underrated band.


Did you just use blarney bollocks as a curse word?


Can we cut out the caps lock, Lord? You look like a republican on the internet.

Ha, good one. Very well. As I was saying...

Wait, what do you look like?

My son almighty! Enough with the interruptions. Fine, if it will shut you up. Then you will publish my screed.

Totally God, and not Gandalf from Lord of the Rings



May 14, 2010

Every asshole human


Dear [Recipient Name]:

There is much confusion and misunderstanding regarding my policies. This letter serves as formal notice that you are, in fact, doing it wrong. I will list my grievances in no particular order.

1) Catholics – ugh. Just fucking ugh.

2) Gay marriage – yeah, I realize that upon first read of the bible, it might seem like I’m against this. But here’s the thing: I didn’t write the bible. In those days, I couldn’t get a publisher to look my way if I stapled a 20-Drachma note to my forehead. Granted, that’s my own fault for smiting so many of them (I went a little smite-crazy for a while in my twenties). But it was written by people with their own opinions and prejudices. I mean, we're talking about people who shit in a bucket. Not exactly sophisticated. This was a time when pubic lice was the good kind of lice. And the syphilis! Myself, the unrelenting syphilis! That was quite the tequila bender when I invented that. Ahem. Anyhoo.

3) Snake Handlers - Seriously? I need to go back and look at the code for evolution. Must be a bug in the "batshit insane" routine.

4) Jews - Look, I like you guys, I really do, but "my chosen people"? I got six-damn-billion people to look after. I can't play favorites. For Vishnu's sake, I put money on the Colts. Oh, and also, you're fighting over a fucking desert. Learn to share, or just go buy a nice condo in Fort Lauderdale and complain about your kids never calling.

In closing, just be nice to each other. It's really not that hard. Well, okay, except for Pat Robertson. You have my permission to act like you don't see him at the Wal-Mart.


Preston Q. Yahweh

The one about the ultrasound  

Posted by doug in ,

Just got back from an ultrasound. Wow, is it ever a humbling experience. Not necessarily because you are watching a new life being formed and realizing that you were once in the same position, but because you have no fucking clue what you are looking at. Ultrasound operators are either the most brilliant minds or biggest con artists on the planet. No matter who you are, they are literally smarter than you.

"Seriously, that's an arm? Because it looks like I'm 12 and trying to watch scrambled HBO."

In which I'm offered 3 Hawaiian islands  

Posted by doug

So, I've been offered a job. I wasn't really looking for a job, the job I have works fine. A few scratches here and there, some of the paint is worn off of the corner, but it didn't seem worth it to just run out and get a new one. Still, the detritus from my previous job searches existed out in the flotsam and jetsam of several internet job boards, and this job found me. Specifically, a recruiter found me. I played coy at first. The drive is a bit longer. It was a very large company, which I am generally against on principle. All of the anagrams that could be made from the company's name were non-fart related in nature. I was hesitant. Still, the recruiter showed persistence.

He started off casually, "So, how about a 60% raise?"
This seemed like a trick. 60% of zero was only $12,000 a year. "Erm, I don't know."
"Have you ever dreamed of owning your own dragon?"
"My wife doesn't even like dogs."
He was nonplussed. "We will fly in an elderly Japanese gentleman to teach you the art of ninjitsu."
"Have you been reading my Karate Kid fan fiction?"
"Yes, and despite that we still want to hire you."
It was tempting. "Well, it would look good on a resume." He sensed my interest, and pounced, much in the way that a tiger would pounce on, I guess another tiger that the first tiger was trying to recruit to do something. Another pouncing job, maybe.
"You want to see the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney?"
"I thought that was just a rumor!"
"It is to all but 3 people in the world. After you, we'll kill the third one." The talk of wanton murder was a bit of a turn-off. He added a note of desperation to his voice. "We have a time machine. You can use it on every other Wednesday."
The wheels began turning, a soft "Hmmm" escaped my mouth. He must have realized what I was thinking, because he cut in, "Of course, protocol prevents you from really altering the timeline, like killing Hitler.."
I cut him off, "But could I shave Lincoln while he sleeps?"
He hesitated, "...I guess... What do you say?"
"You're a fancy-pants recruiter and I'm just a regular pantsed guy, but I would be pleased to be the new night shift manager at Denny's!"

Meet interesting people ... and have them give you flowers  

Posted by doug in ,

I've been thinking a little about military recruiting advertising recently. For the most part, it's bullshit. Yeah, I get that most advertising is bullshit. I once heard a story1 (or made it up during a Red Bull binge) that diamonds really weren't all that popular a gift until a little company known as DeBeers (not to be confused with "Da Bears!") found a diamond mine and hired someone to advertise the hell out of them. They put the idea in people's heads that you don't really love your wife unless you give her a diamond. Oh, also, diamonds are like, super scarce. There's only three in the entire world. So if you want one that you can actually, you know, see, get your checkbook. But diamonds come out of the ground. You know what else comes out of the ground? Dirt. Try giving your wife some dirt for Christmas. Such a double standard.

So the military has to rule out the honest approach. It's a hard job for very little pay. You get shot at. It's a lot like working the midnight shift at the Gas-N-Go except you can't steal the Slim Jims. So they have to appeal to patriotism and honor and other such qualities that you were supposed to learn by repeating the Pledge of Allegiance once a day from 1st to the 12th grade (Did anyone else think the word was actually "invisible"? How the fuck did we live in one nation, invisible?). I saw a billboard for the marines this morning that said, "We don't accept applications. Only commitments". Or something like that. It was early and I was drinking (Had the billboard actually said, "It's early and you're drinking. C'mon, join already", it might have been such an eerie coincidence that I would've had no choice but to sign up). That's a bit extreme, don't you think? I've never had a job interview where I've walked in and been immediately asked to pledge my loyalty without the company knowing anything about me.

On second thought, that's exactly how I ended up in that Turkish prison.

Other stuff I hate  

Posted by doug in

I hate intentional misspellings.

Krazy Glue, you so krazy!

You know, I hate the abbreviation "LOL"...  

Posted by doug

But it totally applies here. I don't think I've ever watched a Youtube video five times in a row before. Watch this and then follow up with the rest of the post:

Cast of characters (I think):
The main character - Richard Dawkins, noted biologist and writer
Guy with the squid on his hat: PZ Myers, who got kicked out of a showing of Expelled
The bikini lady: Eugenie Scott, Director of the National Center for Science Education
Guy with braces: Sam Harris, atheist and author of "Letter to a Christian Nation"
Guy in huge hat: Philosopher Daniel Dennett
Guy who looks like Charles Darwin: Charles Darwin

And these are probably the lyrics, I lifted them off of a blog comment somewhere:

My name is D to the I to the C to the K, Yeah I'm the Dickie D,
I gots my phd and comin' your way on the youtube to bust your world view
so just listen to me and don't you argue.

You see, this battle's been ragin' since Zeus was on the bottle,
between Science like Democritus and Faith like Aristotle,
who said the mover wasn't movin' like some magic trick but
that's no good logic, my posse is far too quick for this
religious sthick.

Cos science is the only way to know y'all,
you stand with me y'all,
or you can fall y'all so go ahead and take your pick.

ES: Yeah you tell him Rick ...
Darwin : Cos if you don't know me ...


Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!

SH:On the shoulders of midgets we built up this machine,
RD:Silence that watch... Paley
Growing stronger and harder almost daily, storming wilber by force as we framed the discourse until the science split in schismatic divorce then Darwin took to the seas to see what no one had seen, and ever since then we've been increasingly keen, they may never adore us, but they'll no longer ignore us, give it to 'em PZ hit these BLEEP with the chorus!!!

Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!

Then there was Darrow dukin' it out with the straight and the narrow a ragin' bull in the ring, he did his thing, and took it on the chin like he was bobby de niro.
We might have lost at Scopes, beaten down by the dopes, and the stooges of popes, but in losin' we coped, becomin' more than we hoped, creationists slipped on the soap of their own slippery slope, what was impossible, improbable, is now wholly unstoppable .... the creationst foldup you hate us talking bull, don't you know that this Dick BLEEP frickin' unblockable ...

Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!

Now the machine of our making, sees culture ripe for the taking Cos I'm the rapper thats rappin the .... unlike the Catholic, Muslim or even the Jew, believes that no God but science could ever be true, hell if I was dyslexic I'd even hate "dog" too.

Time to open your eyes, get yourself wise, the age of science has arised to be religions demise, and while you turkeys all cry, shouting why God oh why, I'll still be poppin' my collar earning more dollars than Allah.

Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!

Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!


Posted by doug

This past weekend Gov. Mike Huckabee was on Saturday Night Live. I don't care for the man's politics, but you have to appreciate someone who can laugh at themselves.