On Employment-Related Lies  

Posted by doug

So I had a job interview today. I don't want my current employer finding out, but then again, nobody reads this so I think I'll be okay. I could reveal national secrets for all it matters. Actually, are you ready? Dick Cheney is a robot. Sorry, you're right, I did say 'secrets'.

Well, it was only a first interview, which doesn't really count. All that happens at the first interview is they check to make sure you can actually tie your shoes.

"Are your shoes tied? No, wait, you just used bread ties. Nice try; maybe you'll do well in management."

Why do employers even bother with interviews anymore? It's all just a pack of lies. I lie to them about how awesome I am, they lie to me about their workplace. "Come work here! Our interns are actually just pinatas made out of candy!" What a bunch of crap. I only saw one intern pinata, and it was the really cheap candy.

"What would you say your biggest weakness is?"
"I work entirely too hard."

It's better that than they know my real weakness - I am a fool for the taste of puppies.

Crushing Finality  

Posted by doug

There's something very intimidating about having a blank area to record your thoughts, as I am doing now. Young people and idiots do not seem to have this problem. I cite the history of the internet. Up until a year I will now make up, say 2003, 87% of the internet consisted almost entirely of random insults ("u are teh suck" and the like) and "meteallica rulez!!!11!". Things have only slightly improved. Young people and idiots still abound, but now there are more places to buy Viagra. 4-less, even.

Ah, yes, the point. I thought I might get around to it eventually.

I realized that I didn't maintain this blog because it is very difficult to be consistently entertaining. And that's why anyone does this whole blog thing. You want to get good at it (by good, I mean get paid handsomely for doing very little actual work) and have millions of total strangers be enthralled by your every word. The method varies - some rely on humor, some on expressing some facet of the human element (although I initially despised that phrase, it is quite useful to the intellectually lazy such as myself). Take my wife's blog - although she is my wife, and I have to say nice things or shower alone, I do admire her ability to just say, "Yes, hello, I am human, I have foibles." I also admire her use of the word "foible".

Which all leads me to ask what I am contributing to the conversation. The answer is essentially very little. Still, is contribution actually necessary? I have learned in my few years here that saying nothing is a way to garner others admiration of ones intellect. I am, in fact, a mildly mentally handicapped chimp, but I manage to hold down a job and drive a car. I can also operate chopsticks with my feet, which does not make one as popular at China Garden as you might think. But nobody remembers the quiet ones and who wants to die unremembered? They call it a memorial for a reason. Actually, I'm okay with that. I don't mind if, at my funeral, the animatronic robot of Aaron Burr who is presiding over the service decides to end things early to hit the buffet. The lines at those things can be insane.