Posted by doug

This past weekend Gov. Mike Huckabee was on Saturday Night Live. I don't care for the man's politics, but you have to appreciate someone who can laugh at themselves.

Like you're some prize yourself  

Posted by doug in ,

Geese are assholes1.

1. If you're a goose and you're offended, my apologies. In my defense, you're probably an asshole.

Summon Sir Jerry Bruckheimer  

Posted by doug

Many large cities lie in ruins, as well as the most recognizable and photogenic of monuments around the world, destroyed by a special-effects laden alien death ray. Someone who would never have been elected President in real life gives a rousing speech and leads the ragtag band of poorly-trained civilians in a grand battle against alien deathships whose size can only be described as "big ass". We win, of course, every damn time, because we are the civilization that invented 'Weekend at Bernie's'.

One day... One day  

Posted by doug

In the film, "The Last Starfighter" the protagonist dreams about leaving his small town and doing something great. He gets his wish when it turns out that his favorite video game is a actually a convoluted plan to recruit the most skillful starfighter pilots to fight the evil Xur and the Kodan armada. The 80's were awesome. Anyway, I'd like a Prius. So if there's some game where you have to drive a Prius, I'm all over it1.

1. Yes, it did seem like an abrupt ending, didn't it? Personally, I'd have liked to hear more about the Prius. Rumor has it the 2008 models can travel through time.

In which I say quite a few naughty words  

Posted by doug

"A study in contrasts Saudi Arabia is", Yoda would say, were he actually real and someone who studies or even occasionally reads about the middle eastern kingdom. Also, Yoda is diplomatic, while I have much harsher words for that dung heap in the middle east.

The King of Saudi Arabia wants to build the world's most expensive and advanced university. Its endowments will rival that of MIT. Sounds nice, right? Well, it does until you realize that in order to attend this university, you have to be in Saudi Arabia.

A few days I mentioned an article that said that the Saudi Arabian religious yahoo vice squad (the subject of the 80's spin-off series, "Saudi Vice") were playing the role of the hilariously stereotyped grumpy, crusty old man who gets hit in the face with a pie in any Three Stooges episode. They essentially were raiding flower shops to get rid of anything red. The reason for doing this? I quote, "Mahmoud will not share the monkey bars! I'm off to repress the masses!". Now, I get wind of a story that Saudi Arabia is all set to execute a woman for being... a witch. To top it all off, she's illiterate. No, this isn't some shitty sequel to 'Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grain'. Also, it's not 1200 AD. If it were, I could find a decent mug of mead.

Apparently, she's exhausted all her appeals and it's up the King to let her off the hook.

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. You want to make asses of yourself and declare jihad on roses, be my guest. I'll bring a camera. But when you pull shit like this... This is what we have to look forward to if the ever-fragile wall separating church and state is broken in this country.

I'm sure there are decent people in SA trying to improve their country for the better. I offer my best and would ask them to stop reading now. To everyone else... Kiss my atheist, lily-white, and freedom loving ass.

If I were a ghost, volume 87  

Posted by doug

If I were a ghost, I'd get an endorsement, say from Skittles. Then, in an elevator, I'd whisper "Skittles". Everyone would then want Skittles and not know why. Then Skittles would try to screw me over because everyone knows that a ghost can't take Skittles to court1.

1. Up the meds. Or down the meds. Something to do with meds.

From the Kingdom of Breckinshire newsdesk...  

Posted by doug

The world's leading proctologists1 will converge on Saudi Arabia this week to discuss ways to remove the giant stick from its ass:

1 Fancy word for "ass doctor"

Happy Birthday, one of the best scientists ever!  

Posted by doug

I must be slipping in my old age. I can't believe I had forgotten that today is the birthday of Charles Darwin. Were he alive today, he would be a decrepit 199-year-old zombie beast with a dapper hat.

Wired has a decent article about religious hysteria regarding evolution.

Pronunciation Nazi Strikes Back1  

Posted by doug

They say everyone has to have a hobby...

And my hobby is murder2.

1. The working title of the sequel to Star Wars. Word has it George Lucas' dog talked him out of it over mudslides at Applebees.

2. You're not saying it right. You have to say it real slow and kind of British, like "muh-duh". You're saying "mudda", aren't you? This is why you're still the assistant night manager at the race track.

Apologies to carnivores1  

Posted by doug

I can't wear clothes, I'm just a roast.

But not omnivores. Damn dirty celery!