Thank you for coming out tonight. I can tell by your being here that you crave success, that you are tired of being held back. You might be surprised to know that I was not always the semi-successful, barely evolved ape standing before you. The truth is, I was once an amoeba-like creature, trolling the ocean for scraps of organic molecules. I know, it's shocking, but I eventually realized that it didn't have to be that way. That's when I decided to evolve! Yes, I evolved, and you can, too.

I can now stand upright for minutes at a time, use rudimentary tools, and engage in grooming my fellow proto-humans to gain social status in our crude social system. No longer do I have to asexually reproduce by splitting in two. Sexual reproduction and its accompanying psychological hang-ups can be yours, too. How, you ask? Well, I certainly can't give away all my secrets for free (after all, these rough animal skins I cover myself in don't just construct themselves), but I will tell you that the secret lies in genetic mutations. Yes, you heard right! I don't entirely understand it, to be completely honest, as my brain is barely capable of language, much less any higher-thought processes. However, I don't have to understand it, because I have people who do that for me. Well, not people really, as they aren't around yet, but I got a few Cro-magnons on the the payroll.

Well, friends, I can tell by the pattern of the stars that my time is running out. I might evolve some more tonight! Before then, though, I'll be selling my pamphlet on how to evolve in the lobby. And by lobby, I mean that rock over there. So hop on your pseudopods and come get you a slice of evolutionary success!