So I go to the bank, right, and teller is making this face like she doesn't want to make change for a dollar...
DOUG, ENOUGH OF THIS HORSESHIT
What the hell?
THIS IS THE VOICE OF GOD
I, uh, I think you mean the literary voice, because...
SHUT THE SHIT UP
Right-o
TURN OFF THAT MUSIC. WHAT IS THAT, HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH? ARE YOU 12? IS THIS 1996?
It's quite an underrated band.
BLARNEY BOLLOCKS! THE POINT IS, I'VE CHOSEN YOUR BLOG TO RECEIVE MY HOLY WORD!
Did you just use blarney bollocks as a curse word?
I GOT IT FROM ISAAC NEWTON, PUNK. HE INVENTED CALCULUS. YOU SPENT THE PAST HALF-HOUR CLEANING YOUR EAR WITH A PAPER CLIP.
Can we cut out the caps lock, Lord? You look like a republican on the internet.
Ha, good one. Very well. As I was saying...
Wait, what do you look like?
My son almighty! Enough with the interruptions. Fine, if it will shut you up. Then you will publish my screed.
Totally God, and not Gandalf from Lord of the Rings
God
Heaven
May 14, 2010
Every asshole human
Earth
Dear [Recipient Name]:
There is much confusion and misunderstanding regarding my policies. This letter serves as formal notice that you are, in fact, doing it wrong. I will list my grievances in no particular order.
1) Catholics – ugh. Just fucking ugh.
2) Gay marriage – yeah, I realize that upon first read of the bible, it might seem like I’m against this. But here’s the thing: I didn’t write the bible. In those days, I couldn’t get a publisher to look my way if I stapled a 20-Drachma note to my forehead. Granted, that’s my own fault for smiting so many of them (I went a little smite-crazy for a while in my twenties). But it was written by people with their own opinions and prejudices. I mean, we're talking about people who shit in a bucket. Not exactly sophisticated. This was a time when pubic lice was the good kind of lice. And the syphilis! Myself, the unrelenting syphilis! That was quite the tequila bender when I invented that. Ahem. Anyhoo.
3) Snake Handlers - Seriously? I need to go back and look at the code for evolution. Must be a bug in the "batshit insane" routine.
4) Jews - Look, I like you guys, I really do, but "my chosen people"? I got six-damn-billion people to look after. I can't play favorites. For Vishnu's sake, I put money on the Colts. Oh, and also, you're fighting over a fucking desert. Learn to share, or just go buy a nice condo in Fort Lauderdale and complain about your kids never calling.
In closing, just be nice to each other. It's really not that hard. Well, okay, except for Pat Robertson. You have my permission to act like you don't see him at the Wal-Mart.
Sincerely,
Preston Q. Yahweh
