So, I've been offered a job. I wasn't really looking for a job, the job I have works fine. A few scratches here and there, some of the paint is worn off of the corner, but it didn't seem worth it to just run out and get a new one. Still, the detritus from my previous job searches existed out in the flotsam and jetsam of several internet job boards, and this job found me. Specifically, a recruiter found me. I played coy at first. The drive is a bit longer. It was a very large company, which I am generally against on principle. All of the anagrams that could be made from the company's name were non-fart related in nature. I was hesitant. Still, the recruiter showed persistence.

He started off casually, "So, how about a 60% raise?"
This seemed like a trick. 60% of zero was only $12,000 a year. "Erm, I don't know."
"Have you ever dreamed of owning your own dragon?"
"My wife doesn't even like dogs."
He was nonplussed. "We will fly in an elderly Japanese gentleman to teach you the art of ninjitsu."
"Have you been reading my Karate Kid fan fiction?"
"Yes, and despite that we still want to hire you."
It was tempting. "Well, it would look good on a resume." He sensed my interest, and pounced, much in the way that a tiger would pounce on, I guess another tiger that the first tiger was trying to recruit to do something. Another pouncing job, maybe.
"You want to see the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney?"
"I thought that was just a rumor!"
"It is to all but 3 people in the world. After you, we'll kill the third one." The talk of wanton murder was a bit of a turn-off. He added a note of desperation to his voice. "We have a time machine. You can use it on every other Wednesday."
The wheels began turning, a soft "Hmmm" escaped my mouth. He must have realized what I was thinking, because he cut in, "Of course, protocol prevents you from really altering the timeline, like killing Hitler.."
I cut him off, "But could I shave Lincoln while he sleeps?"
He hesitated, "...I guess... What do you say?"
"You're a fancy-pants recruiter and I'm just a regular pantsed guy, but I would be pleased to be the new night shift manager at Denny's!"