All times are Central Daylight Time¹

4:30 PM -- Jump off of the top of my brontosaurus crane and slide down his tail into my car

4:31 PM -- Jump up and look around, hoping no one saw me fall down the stairs while pretending to be Fred Flintstone

4:32 PM -- Let someone go ahead of me

4:33 PM -- Someone who saw me let someone go ahead of me takes advantage of my kindness² and goes ahead of me without my permission

4:34 PM -- Vow to never be nice to anyone ever again

4:35 PM -- Let someone go ahead of me

4:36 PM -- Make it out of the parking lot

4:38 PM -- Sit at a traffic light

4:39 PM -- Still sitting at the same goddamn traffic light, why can't they ever design an intersection that allows cars to get where they're going sometime before Thursday, and another thing, when did the traffic...

4:39 PM -- Light changes green. Mentally refer to the other drivers still sitting at the intersection as "suckers"

4:45 PM -- Reach the interstate.

4:50 PM -- Apply brakes.

4:53 PM -- Hey, it's new billboard day!

4:54 PM -- Engage in mental treatise about the state of modern advertising, and wonder why it all sucks

4:55 PM -- Apply brakes

4:56 PM -- Satellite radio doesn't work while stopped under a bridge. Sing the rest of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" anyway.

5:00 PM -- Wonder why no one has thought to sell drinks in traffic, suspect it's probably because "the man" put a stop to it

5:01 PM -- Wonder what "the man" has got against thirst-quenching, anyway

5:05 PM -- Apply brakes

5:10 PM -- Wonder why there are so many unattractive people on the interstate

5:15 PM -- Briefly panic when I realize my keys aren't in my pocket

5:16 PM -- Slap myself for my stupidity

5:18 PM -- Apply brakes

5:20 PM -- Swear that I'm buying a hovercar as soon as they come out

5:30 PM -- Arrive home to my loving family³


1 Except, of course, when they're not

2 Weakness

3 Which makes it all worth it