A Blatherskite's Compendium

His holy potty mouth

2010-05-14T09:43:00.010-06:00

So I go to the bank, right, and teller is making this face like she doesn't want to make change for a dollar...

DOUG, ENOUGH OF THIS HORSESHIT

What the hell?

THIS IS THE VOICE OF GOD

I, uh, I think you mean the literary voice, because...

SHUT THE SHIT UP

Right-o

TURN OFF THAT MUSIC. WHAT IS THAT, HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH? ARE YOU 12? IS THIS 1996?

It's quite an underrated band.

BLARNEY BOLLOCKS! THE POINT IS, I'VE CHOSEN YOUR BLOG TO RECEIVE MY HOLY WORD!

Did you just use blarney bollocks as a curse word?

I GOT IT FROM ISAAC NEWTON, PUNK. HE INVENTED CALCULUS. YOU SPENT THE PAST HALF-HOUR CLEANING YOUR EAR WITH A PAPER CLIP.

Can we cut out the caps lock, Lord? You look like a republican on the internet.

Ha, good one. Very well. As I was saying...

Wait, what do you look like?

My son almighty! Enough with the interruptions. Fine, if it will shut you up. Then you will publish my screed.

Totally God, and not Gandalf from Lord of the Rings

God

Heaven

May 14, 2010

Every asshole human

Earth

Dear [Recipient Name]:

There is much confusion and misunderstanding regarding my policies. This letter serves as formal notice that you are, in fact, doing it wrong. I will list my grievances in no particular order.

1) Catholics – ugh. Just fucking ugh.

2) Gay marriage – yeah, I realize that upon first read of the bible, it might seem like I’m against this. But here’s the thing: I didn’t write the bible. In those days, I couldn’t get a publisher to look my way if I stapled a 20-Drachma note to my forehead. Granted, that’s my own fault for smiting so many of them (I went a little smite-crazy for a while in my twenties). But it was written by people with their own opinions and prejudices. I mean, we're talking about people who shit in a bucket. Not exactly sophisticated. This was a time when pubic lice was the good kind of lice. And the syphilis! Myself, the unrelenting syphilis! That was quite the tequila bender when I invented that. Ahem. Anyhoo.

3) Snake Handlers - Seriously? I need to go back and look at the code for evolution. Must be a bug in the "batshit insane" routine.

4) Jews - Look, I like you guys, I really do, but "my chosen people"? I got six-damn-billion people to look after. I can't play favorites. For Vishnu's sake, I put money on the Colts. Oh, and also, you're fighting over a fucking desert. Learn to share, or just go buy a nice condo in Fort Lauderdale and complain about your kids never calling.

In closing, just be nice to each other. It's really not that hard. Well, okay, except for Pat Robertson. You have my permission to act like you don't see him at the Wal-Mart.

Sincerely,

Preston Q. Yahweh

The one about the ultrasound

2010-05-13T13:42:00.005-06:00

Just got back from an ultrasound. Wow, is it ever a humbling experience. Not necessarily because you are watching a new life being formed and realizing that you were once in the same position, but because you have no fucking clue what you are looking at. Ultrasound operators are either the most brilliant minds or biggest con artists on the planet. No matter who you are, they are literally smarter than you.

"Seriously, that's an arm? Because it looks like I'm 12 and trying to watch scrambled HBO."

In which I'm offered 3 Hawaiian islands

2009-03-10T07:24:00.004-06:00

So, I've been offered a job. I wasn't really looking for a job, the job I have works fine. A few scratches here and there, some of the paint is worn off of the corner, but it didn't seem worth it to just run out and get a new one. Still, the detritus from my previous job searches existed out in the flotsam and jetsam of several internet job boards, and this job found me. Specifically, a recruiter found me. I played coy at first. The drive is a bit longer. It was a very large company, which I am generally against on principle. All of the anagrams that could be made from the company's name were non-fart related in nature. I was hesitant. Still, the recruiter showed persistence.

He started off casually, "So, how about a 60% raise?"
This seemed like a trick. 60% of zero was only $12,000 a year. "Erm, I don't know."
"Have you ever dreamed of owning your own dragon?"
"My wife doesn't even like dogs."
He was nonplussed. "We will fly in an elderly Japanese gentleman to teach you the art of ninjitsu."
"Have you been reading my Karate Kid fan fiction?"
"Yes, and despite that we still want to hire you."
It was tempting. "Well, it would look good on a resume." He sensed my interest, and pounced, much in the way that a tiger would pounce on, I guess another tiger that the first tiger was trying to recruit to do something. Another pouncing job, maybe.
"You want to see the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney?"
"I thought that was just a rumor!"
"It is to all but 3 people in the world. After you, we'll kill the third one." The talk of wanton murder was a bit of a turn-off. He added a note of desperation to his voice. "We have a time machine. You can use it on every other Wednesday."
The wheels began turning, a soft "Hmmm" escaped my mouth. He must have realized what I was thinking, because he cut in, "Of course, protocol prevents you from really altering the timeline, like killing Hitler.."
I cut him off, "But could I shave Lincoln while he sleeps?"
He hesitated, "...I guess... What do you say?"
"You're a fancy-pants recruiter and I'm just a regular pantsed guy, but I would be pleased to be the new night shift manager at Denny's!"

Meet interesting people ... and have them give you flowers

2009-01-21T08:33:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking a little about military recruiting advertising recently. For the most part, it's bullshit. Yeah, I get that most advertising is bullshit. I once heard a story1 (or made it up during a Red Bull binge) that diamonds really weren't all that popular a gift until a little company known as DeBeers (not to be confused with "Da Bears!") found a diamond mine and hired someone to advertise the hell out of them. They put the idea in people's heads that you don't really love your wife unless you give her a diamond. Oh, also, diamonds are like, super scarce. There's only three in the entire world. So if you want one that you can actually, you know, see, get your checkbook. But diamonds come out of the ground. You know what else comes out of the ground? Dirt. Try giving your wife some dirt for Christmas. Such a double standard.

So the military has to rule out the honest approach. It's a hard job for very little pay. You get shot at. It's a lot like working the midnight shift at the Gas-N-Go except you can't steal the Slim Jims. So they have to appeal to patriotism and honor and other such qualities that you were supposed to learn by repeating the Pledge of Allegiance once a day from 1st to the 12th grade (Did anyone else think the word was actually "invisible"? How the fuck did we live in one nation, invisible?). I saw a billboard for the marines this morning that said, "We don't accept applications. Only commitments". Or something like that. It was early and I was drinking (Had the billboard actually said, "It's early and you're drinking. C'mon, join already", it might have been such an eerie coincidence that I would've had no choice but to sign up). That's a bit extreme, don't you think? I've never had a job interview where I've walked in and been immediately asked to pledge my loyalty without the company knowing anything about me.

On second thought, that's exactly how I ended up in that Turkish prison.

Other stuff I hate

2008-04-29T10:37:00.003-06:00

I hate intentional misspellings.

Krazy Glue, you so krazy!

You know, I hate the abbreviation "LOL"...

2008-04-04T09:22:00.003-06:00

But it totally applies here. I don't think I've ever watched a Youtube video five times in a row before. Watch this and then follow up with the rest of the post:

Cast of characters (I think):
The main character - Richard Dawkins, noted biologist and writer
Guy with the squid on his hat: PZ Myers, who got kicked out of a showing of Expelled
The bikini lady: Eugenie Scott, Director of the National Center for Science Education
Guy with braces: Sam Harris, atheist and author of "Letter to a Christian Nation"
Guy in huge hat: Philosopher Daniel Dennett
Guy who looks like Charles Darwin: Charles Darwin

And these are probably the lyrics, I lifted them off of a blog comment somewhere:

My name is D to the I to the C to the K, Yeah I'm the Dickie D,
I gots my phd and comin' your way on the youtube to bust your world view
so just listen to me and don't you argue.

You see, this battle's been ragin' since Zeus was on the bottle,
between Science like Democritus and Faith like Aristotle,
who said the mover wasn't movin' like some magic trick but
that's no good logic, my posse is far too quick for this
religious sthick.

Cos science is the only way to know y'all,
you stand with me y'all,
or you can fall y'all so go ahead and take your pick.

ES: Yeah you tell him Rick ...
Darwin : Cos if you don't know me ...

RD: YOU DON'T KNOW DICK!!

Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!

SH:On the shoulders of midgets we built up this machine,
DD:YEAH!!!
RD:Silence that watch... Paley
Growing stronger and harder almost daily, storming wilber by force as we framed the discourse until the science split in schismatic divorce then Darwin took to the seas to see what no one had seen, and ever since then we've been increasingly keen, they may never adore us, but they'll no longer ignore us, give it to 'em PZ hit these BLEEP with the chorus!!!

Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!

Then there was Darrow dukin' it out with the straight and the narrow a ragin' bull in the ring, he did his thing, and took it on the chin like he was bobby de niro.
We might have lost at Scopes, beaten down by the dopes, and the stooges of popes, but in losin' we coped, becomin' more than we hoped, creationists slipped on the soap of their own slippery slope, what was impossible, improbable, is now wholly unstoppable .... the creationst foldup you hate us talking bull, don't you know that this Dick BLEEP frickin' unblockable ...

Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!

Now the machine of our making, sees culture ripe for the taking Cos I'm the rapper thats rappin the .... unlike the Catholic, Muslim or even the Jew, believes that no God but science could ever be true, hell if I was dyslexic I'd even hate "dog" too.

Time to open your eyes, get yourself wise, the age of science has arised to be religions demise, and while you turkeys all cry, shouting why God oh why, I'll still be poppin' my collar earning more dollars than Allah.

Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!

Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!

Errata

2008-02-25T12:26:00.002-06:00

This past weekend Gov. Mike Huckabee was on Saturday Night Live. I don't care for the man's politics, but you have to appreciate someone who can laugh at themselves.

Like you're some prize yourself

2008-02-20T14:39:00.002-06:00

Geese are assholes¹.

^1. If you're a goose and you're offended, my apologies. In my defense, you're probably an asshole.

Summon Sir Jerry Bruckheimer

2008-02-15T11:24:00.003-06:00

Many large cities lie in ruins, as well as the most recognizable and photogenic of monuments around the world, destroyed by a special-effects laden alien death ray. Someone who would never have been elected President in real life gives a rousing speech and leads the ragtag band of poorly-trained civilians in a grand battle against alien deathships whose size can only be described as "big ass". We win, of course, every damn time, because we are the civilization that invented 'Weekend at Bernie's'.

One day... One day

2008-02-15T09:02:00.001-06:00

In the film, "The Last Starfighter" the protagonist dreams about leaving his small town and doing something great. He gets his wish when it turns out that his favorite video game is a actually a convoluted plan to recruit the most skillful starfighter pilots to fight the evil Xur and the Kodan armada. The 80's were awesome. Anyway, I'd like a Prius. So if there's some game where you have to drive a Prius, I'm all over it¹.

^1. Yes, it did seem like an abrupt ending, didn't it? Personally, I'd have liked to hear more about the Prius. Rumor has it the 2008 models can travel through time.

In which I say quite a few naughty words

2008-02-14T09:36:00.005-06:00

"A study in contrasts Saudi Arabia is", Yoda would say, were he actually real and someone who studies or even occasionally reads about the middle eastern kingdom. Also, Yoda is diplomatic, while I have much harsher words for that dung heap in the middle east.

The King of Saudi Arabia wants to build the world's most expensive and advanced university. Its endowments will rival that of MIT. Sounds nice, right? Well, it does until you realize that in order to attend this university, you have to be in Saudi Arabia.

A few days I mentioned an article that said that the Saudi Arabian religious yahoo vice squad (the subject of the 80's spin-off series, "Saudi Vice") were playing the role of the hilariously stereotyped grumpy, crusty old man who gets hit in the face with a pie in any Three Stooges episode. They essentially were raiding flower shops to get rid of anything red. The reason for doing this? I quote, "Mahmoud will not share the monkey bars! I'm off to repress the masses!". Now, I get wind of a story that Saudi Arabia is all set to execute a woman for being... a witch. To top it all off, she's illiterate. No, this isn't some shitty sequel to 'Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grain'. Also, it's not 1200 AD. If it were, I could find a decent mug of mead.

Apparently, she's exhausted all her appeals and it's up the King to let her off the hook.

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. You want to make asses of yourself and declare jihad on roses, be my guest. I'll bring a camera. But when you pull shit like this... This is what we have to look forward to if the ever-fragile wall separating church and state is broken in this country.

I'm sure there are decent people in SA trying to improve their country for the better. I offer my best and would ask them to stop reading now. To everyone else... Kiss my atheist, lily-white, and freedom loving ass.

If I were a ghost, volume 87

2008-02-14T09:18:00.001-06:00

If I were a ghost, I'd get an endorsement, say from Skittles. Then, in an elevator, I'd whisper "Skittles". Everyone would then want Skittles and not know why. Then Skittles would try to screw me over because everyone knows that a ghost can't take Skittles to court¹.

^1. Up the meds. Or down the meds. Something to do with meds.

From the Kingdom of Breckinshire newsdesk...

2008-02-13T09:25:00.000-06:00

The world's leading proctologists¹ will converge on Saudi Arabia this week to discuss ways to remove the giant stick from its ass:

CNN.com

¹ Fancy word for "ass doctor"

Happy Birthday, one of the best scientists ever!

2008-02-12T12:21:00.000-06:00

I must be slipping in my old age. I can't believe I had forgotten that today is the birthday of Charles Darwin. Were he alive today, he would be a decrepit 199-year-old zombie beast with a dapper hat.

Wired has a decent article about religious hysteria regarding evolution.

Pronunciation Nazi Strikes Back1

2008-02-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

They say everyone has to have a hobby...

And my hobby is murder².

^1. The working title of the sequel to Star Wars. Word has it George Lucas' dog talked him out of it over mudslides at Applebees.

^2. You're not saying it right. You have to say it real slow and kind of British, like "muh-duh". You're saying "mudda", aren't you? This is why you're still the assistant night manager at the race track.

Apologies to carnivores1

2008-02-06T14:50:00.000-06:00

I can't wear clothes, I'm just a roast.

¹ But not omnivores. Damn dirty celery!

The blog neglect1 temporarily ends

2008-01-18T12:12:00.000-06:00

So what if you could make, like, $20 grand more a year, but you had to live in Wisconsin? And who would win in a fight between a jet and a dragon?

¹ Or is it blogect?²
² No, it isn't.

Good news, everyone!

2007-11-20T11:50:00.000-06:00

At least, I hope so. Hypes come and go, and I often get crushed when I find out something didn't pan out the way I'd hoped. So I'm cautiously optimistic.

Scientists have figured out a way to make human skin cells act like stem cells. This is important for many reasons. If it works, then those dour reprobates who consistently argue that an embryo is a life can kiss my lily white ass. The whole argument becomes moot and they'll have to focus their Luddite appetites elsewhere. So they can go back to their fetus-fests¹ while ignoring the full-blown adult version of humans.

The second reason why this rocks is that any potential cures can be personalized to the patient- ergo, no risk of rejection. When someone today gets, say, a new lung, they have to take drug upon drug to weaken their immune system so it doesn't reject that donor lung. Tissue grown using one's own skin cells will not need to be rejected, in the immune systems opinion, because it belongs to that person.

Something else that's interesting - these scientists used these cells to create beating cardiac tissue. So, I have to wonder, all those people who think that a beating heart makes a fetus alive - is this clump of tissue a person?

¹ Coming to a town near you, usually in the spring. Stay away from the corndogs!

Lazy Sunday returns!

2007-11-09T16:43:00.000-06:00

Well, sort of. After NBC sent in its clone army to remove all of its copyrighted material from Youtube, Lazy Sunday suffered. But now, with Hulu (which I'm still waiting on my invitation for), it's back! Enjoy!

Edit: I just looked back through my old posts and noticed that this Hulu link now makes you watch a commercial first. Sorry about that, old chap.

If I can be serious for a moment...

2007-11-08T10:37:00.001-06:00

And I think I can¹. Nature (in both the natural and man-made sense) regularly provides us with patterns. However, it's up to us to recognize and inject meaning (if any at all) into these patterns. I wonder if that's why people believe in creationism/nonsense? It's hard to believe that patterns occur naturally out of complex systems, but as they do it everyday, we should cease to be surprised by it. Still, I do not practice what I preach, no pun intended². I enjoy these things as much as anyone. Some guys examined FAA flight data and mapped it along the 4th dimension - a fancy way of saying "over time". They produced a map of sorts with this data. Take a look below. Notice especially that as it gets late at night, flight pattern sort of withers away, while as the day progresses, it picks up again, starting on the East Coast and progressing westward along with the sun.

On an entirely unrelated note, bacterial colonies can be beautiful. Staph infections, not so much. I found these photos on the interwebs. I suspect the first one has been engineered somehow.

^1. I so stole that joke from David Letterman
^2. "No pun intended" means, "Hey, look at me, I made a pun!"

Finally, I have definitive proof...

2007-11-07T10:42:00.000-06:00

... that America rules. Before you watch this, know that there are no speakers involved - the sound you hear comes solely from the Tesla coils themselves - well, that and the agony of their inventor's crushing loneliness.

On dreams, and why we shouldn't have them...

2007-11-06T10:07:00.000-06:00

Have you ever dreamed of something, and thought, "Well, one day I'll do that, and it'll be awesome." Well, don't do it. You'll just get disappointed.

I went up to the roof of my 10 story office building yesterday to eat lunch. I thought it would be profound, standing against the ledge and watching the scenery while I serenely ate my hot pocket. And it would have been awesome, but there were wasps everywhere for some reason. I hate wasps, and all flying stinging creatures, because when I was in the 5th grade I stumbled upon a underground nest of hornets who chased me about a mile before giving up and going home to watch "Friends" or whatever the hell stinging creatures do when they're not stinging me. Ever since then, I've been very leery of these creatures. I even have a gut reaction against bees, even though I know they are extremely important to.. uh.. well, eating. So the wasps made me nervous and I couldn't enjoy myself and I eventually left and then I went back to my office and sat down to write some run-on sentences.

I'd rather go back to thinking that eating lunch on the roof is awesome.

I, for one, welcome our robotic driving overlords

2007-11-05T09:49:00.000-06:00

It didn't get much coverage outside of nerd circles (or maybe it did, I don't really travel outside of nerd circles) - but there was a most amazing race this past weekend. The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, a unit of the Pentagon which is prettymuch responsible for the invention of the internet, held its almost annual Grand Challenge. This is a race, but not your typical NASCAR, let's drive in a circle and excite the natives race. This was a race without humans. Yeah, you read that right. Every vehicle in this race was entirely robotic. And not the cheap kind of robotic, where it's actually controlled by a human with a controller somewhere. Nope. These cars use GPS to figure out where they are, where they're going. They have sensors to avoid collisions and are painted in neutral gang colors in case they end up in the wrong 'hood.

When DARPA held it's first Grand Challenge in 2004, it was a 142 mile track in the middle of Ass End, California. They had it in the desert just in case a car developed intelligence and emotion, which if movies have anything to teach us, will make it dangerous. However, that didn't happen. Not much happened, actually. Not a single vehicle managed to finish the course. The next year, they held a very similar competition, only this time, several vehicles finished, including one built by a team from hurricane-ravaged New Orleans. Many people argued that driving in a lonely desert was a far cry from driving in an urban environment, with other cars, stop signs, and cheap gas station hot dogs. Well, those people can shut their filthy mouths, because that's been done. They held the 2007 race, the Urban Challenge, in an abandoned army base. They had human driven cars sprinkled around for the robots to deal with. They had stop signs and driveways and parked cars. And I'm sure it was amazing to watch these empty vehicles drive themselves around and stop at intersections with precision.

Flying cars? You can have 'em. I'd rather kick my feet up and read a magazine on my way to work everyday.

For more information, contact your local library, or just use these links:

Darpa.mil's Grand Challenge page
An episode of NOVA about the race
The obligatory Wikipedia entry, with much detail lovingly crafted by nerds like myself

Na-blo-po-mo-emo-gijoe-taco

2007-11-04T19:47:00.000-06:00

The Dutch are interesting. Let me rephrase: the stereotypical Dutch are interesting. Are wooden shoes really that comfortable? And now I am completely out of Dutch stereotypes.

Remember G.I. Joe? I think the world would be a lot better off if it were more like G.I. Joe. First off, no one would die, because the bad guys have terrible aim. Secondly, the good guys always win, even though their aim is easily just as terrible. And we'd all have cool nicknames. I'll be "Torpedo". What? They already had a "Torpedo?" Fine, I'm "Footloose". That one's taken, too? Doc? Deep Six? Hawk? Iceberg? Screw it, I'm "Lady Jaye".

Special thanks to Joe Headquarters - I could easily spend five, ten minutes at this site.

Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater

2007-11-03T11:43:00.000-06:00

I have nothing to say, so here are some photos. They are photos that I myself took, so it's not totally irrelevant. I've found that in photography, most of the fun is in the taking of the pictures. It's always more fun to take the pictures than to actually see the end result, unless the end result is awesome, which is rare. These are scanned versions of a few pictures I took before I even got into digital photography.

NABLOPOMO!

2007-11-02T14:37:00.000-06:00

You know how when you were in high school, the cool people always said that you had to be "fashionably late"? I suspect that that was just code for, "As an asshole, I can't be bothered with the limitations of space/time".

Well, as an asshole, I can't be bothered with recognizing November 1st as an actual day in November. It never happened. The sun rose on November 2nd, and it was a lot like November 1st, except it was Friday, whereas what has November 1st ever given you¹? So I will post every day this month, except for November 1st, because that's not even a real day. I mean, it's on the Aztec calendar, but who the hell understands that?²

^1. Besides Mono
^2. Obviously the Aztecs - C'mon, think outside the box!

With voicemail like this, who needs enemies?

2007-10-29T11:39:00.000-06:00

The voicemail system at my work is unnecessarily complicated¹. Most voicemail systems have a number that you dial, or even a button on your phone that just goes to voicemail, right?² Not here. The following is an almost verbatim exchange that I just had to go through to get my messages.

Dial 1-9-093873-43289 and then Pi to the 33rd digit.
"Mailbox?"
dial extension
"Password?"
dial password
"Latitude and Longitude of the Men's Room in the Taj Mahal?"
dial latitude and longitude of the men's room in the Taj Mahal. I'd rather not get into how I know this.
"What is Foreigner's best song ever?"
"Uh, I don't know. Dirty White Boy?"
"That was a trick question. Foreigner sucks."
"Well, I though some of their early stuff was pretty good."
"Nope, they suck. What do you want?"
"Can I have my messages please?"
"Why?"
"Because I want to know what the people who called me want from me."
"The free clinic called. Your urine should turn a normal color in about three days."
"Yeah, that's great. Anyway, the real messages?"
[High pitched voice]"The real messages?"
"Real classy, voicemail."
[High pitched voice] "Real classy, voicemail."
"I work in IT. I know where the voicemail machine sits. It's in a darkly lit room full of heavy tools. I have the key to that room - and a free afternoon."
"Connecting you to your voicemail now, sir."

^1. As opposed to necessary complications
^2. Pause for answer

Flying SUX

2007-10-22T14:31:00.000-06:00

I like to give credit when someone finally says, "Ah, screw it - it's not worth fighting about." If all of the people in the world that I disagreed with had that attitude, I'd be a happier man¹.

Every airport has a three-letter code that it uses for everything from luggage and ticket identification to ... well, luggage and ticket identification. This code is given by the Federal Aviation Administration, generally during the annual Boeing Beer Bong Barnstormer Blast². Apparently, Sioux City, Iowa, forgot the "B" portion of the BYOB³ and angered the wrong folks, as they were saddled with SUX for their identifier. They fought it for years, petitioning in 1988 and again in 2002. The FAA, apparently a frat at Ohio State, offered a few alternatives, one of which was GAY.

Now the good people of Sioux City⁴ have just given up and embraced their innner SUX. They sell "Fly SUX" shirts and hats from their new website, Fly SUX.com.

^1. Wow, you're a jerk.
^2. I have no proof for this whatsoever.
^3. Well, the second B, anyway.
^4. Also referred to as the Stevensons.

Want proof?

I did my civic duty!1

2007-10-21T10:30:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was voting day. We tend to be very political in this house, but it's hard to get worked up about the local stuff. Governor, Lt. Governor, state commissioners, sure, that's important. But for the local stuff, we tend to just vote against whomever we don't like (and in most cases, the ones we voted against actually won). Unless the reincarnated corpse of Hitler is on the ballot, we're just not that concerned. Although, where we live, if he had an "R" behind his name, he'd probably win.

"But he's for the wholesale slaughter of the jews!"
"Sure, but he wouldn't raise our taxes to do it."

¹Ha, I said "duty".

Good news, everyone!

2007-10-19T08:40:00.000-06:00

Sen. David Vitter has reversed his previous misappropriation to the group who would push creationism in Louisiana public schools.

To quote the article:

Vitter went to the Senate floor Wednesday and announced that "to avoid more hysterics," he wanted to shift the money to science and computer labs in the Ouachita Parish schools.

Avoid more hysterics? Wow, can you be any more passive-aggressive? I hear that Manson stopped murdering people "to avoid more hysterics".

Vitter then kicked a puppy and stumbled down to the nearest service station where he drank a quart of motor oil.

For Larry's sake, enough with the footnotes

2007-10-18T10:08:00.000-06:00

There was talk on the radio¹ about teenage drinking, smoking, and drugging². I don't currently have any teenage children³, but that won't stop me from espousing my hare-brained ideas. The US, while not alone in its rates of teenage drinking, certainly suffers from it more than many other nations. Look at Europe⁴, for example. I can't be bothered to actually look up some figures, but let's assume that their rates are much lower. I have to wonder if its because they treat alcohol like an everyday thing - it's no big deal. It's like water. It's not uncommon to let their 16-year-olds drink wine with dinner. Now, assuming that European teenagers are like American teenagers⁵, they are mortified by their parents. Anything that their parents do or let them do cannot possibly be cool. Ergo⁶, if their parents let them drink alcohol, then alcohol must be one of the most mundane and boring substances on Earth⁷.

1. Or redio, as I like to call it - I prefer pronunciations that make me sound like an old man
2. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
3. Because there is a god, his name is Larry, and he likes me for now
4. Put down the Star Wars action figures and look at it, already
5. Except for their awesome accents
6. From the Latin 'ergoes', meaning, "A prick is about to make his point"
7. Like Boron. Zing!

Oh, Vitter, Where Art Thou?1

2007-09-25T13:23:00.000-06:00

David Vitter, the prostitute-visitin', family-values spoutin', Bush-ass kissin' senator from Louisiana has found a new way to royally piss me off. He has now found a new way to undermine evolution - earmarks. He has inserted an earmark into an upcoming bill to give $100,000 to a group in Louisiana to come up with a report on ways to undermine the teaching of evolution in public school. And we have to pay for it.

I find it funny that such an uproar was made about Ahmadinejad's visit to Columbia University because he is a despotic ruler and a holocaust denier. Yes, he denies that the holocaust happened - one of the most documented events in recent history. It's a real bone-headed belief - but so is denying evolution. With decades upon decades of work by literally thousands of scientists, it is the bedrock of the science of biology. To deny it is to deny biology itself. I just don't get it. There can only be one explanation:

See also: The Austringer
The Panda's Thumb

¹ With his head up his ass

If I can be elitist for a moment...

2007-08-24T08:46:00.000-06:00

Those who know me (and it's fortunately only a few lost souls who do) know that I care a great deal about science in general and biology specifically. And even more
specifically, I care about evolution. I could go on and on about how elegant an idea evolution is, about how there is simply so much evidence for it, but as the authorities are banging on my door right now I'd better hurry this up. Two very interesting polls were done this year. This first is a CBS News poll regarding global warming. And it's fairly good news. You know that thing that can wipe out our way of life, whatzit called.. , oh yeah, our own goddamn stupidity? It turns out that more and more Americans are believing in global warming and its potential to turn our lives into a Dennis Quaid movie. I will quote and give a small sacrifice to the fair use gods:

"49% believe global warming is having a serious impact now, up 14 points since 2001. Another third think the impact of global warming will be felt but not until some time in the future. Few think it won’t have a serious impact.
IS GLOBAL WARMING HAVING AN IMPACT?

	Now	6/2001
Yes, now	49%	35%
Will in the future	36	41
Won’t have an impact	11	17

Most Americans agree that global warming is a serious problem, but some view it as a more urgent problem than others do. 52% see global warming as very serious – and something that should be one of the highest priorities for government. 37% admit global warming is a serious problem, but do not think it needs to be a high priority. Fewer than one in ten says global warming is not serious."

Yes, yes, that's all very interesting. The other poll concerns evolution. Here, the numbers are much more on the side of dumbassery (and here my spell check went crazy. Did you know ambassadress is a real word? Apparently it's a female ambassador. I always thought female ambassadors were just ambassadors. I am apparently a dumbass). 49% believe in evolution while 48% do not. I've certainly seen much more dismal evolution polls. Still, considering that evolution is a fundamental tenet of science much like, oh I don't know, gravity -- it shows that we do about as well a job of science education as Paris Hilton does as a Nobel laureate.

Why did I compare apples to oranges? I find it funny that global warming, being a relatively new phenomenon, has such a huge profile, while Darwinian evolution, or natural selection, has been around for about almost 150 years and still eludes half of the American population. I think it's because global warming can pop a cap in our collective asses, while evolution makes people worry that they evolved from apes. That's not even anywhere in the theory¹. So I propose a massive re-education campaign. I blame religious bullshit. Global warming is non-controversial with respect to the Bible. In fact, you could just say its God's way of soaking up Noah's flood. Maybe evolution should be framed in those terms:

1 Paris Hilton notwithstanding.

A motivational speech from long ago...

2007-08-23T08:51:00.000-06:00

Thank you for coming out tonight. I can tell by your being here that you crave success, that you are tired of being held back. You might be surprised to know that I was not always the semi-successful, barely evolved ape standing before you. The truth is, I was once an amoeba-like creature, trolling the ocean for scraps of organic molecules. I know, it's shocking, but I eventually realized that it didn't have to be that way. That's when I decided to evolve! Yes, I evolved, and you can, too.

I can now stand upright for minutes at a time, use rudimentary tools, and engage in grooming my fellow proto-humans to gain social status in our crude social system. No longer do I have to asexually reproduce by splitting in two. Sexual reproduction and its accompanying psychological hang-ups can be yours, too. How, you ask? Well, I certainly can't give away all my secrets for free (after all, these rough animal skins I cover myself in don't just construct themselves), but I will tell you that the secret lies in genetic mutations. Yes, you heard right! I don't entirely understand it, to be completely honest, as my brain is barely capable of language, much less any higher-thought processes. However, I don't have to understand it, because I have people who do that for me. Well, not people really, as they aren't around yet, but I got a few Cro-magnons on the the payroll.

Well, friends, I can tell by the pattern of the stars that my time is running out. I might evolve some more tonight! Before then, though, I'll be selling my pamphlet on how to evolve in the lobby. And by lobby, I mean that rock over there. So hop on your pseudopods and come get you a slice of evolutionary success!

If wishes were ponies... I'd have a sweet jumpsuit.

2007-07-27T14:11:00.001-06:00

My son has a throat and ear infection today. He is taking his first antibiotics ever! Needless to say, I am concerned. Here is a rough sketch of what will commence as soon as I can raise a few million dollars for research and supplies:

1) Evil Germ (he is now unhappy about his life choices)

2) The Germ-an Cannon (ironically, not made in Germany at all) (patent pending)

3) Me, shrunk down to microscopic size and inserted into my son's body (I'm also available for birthday parties)

Shameless plug

2007-07-25T20:11:00.000-06:00

Now I am poet
Check out Haiku! Gesundheit.
If you like haikus

Anatomy of a drive home

2007-07-24T07:38:00.001-06:00

All times are Central Daylight Time¹

4:30 PM -- Jump off of the top of my brontosaurus crane and slide down his tail into my car

4:31 PM -- Jump up and look around, hoping no one saw me fall down the stairs while pretending to be Fred Flintstone

4:32 PM -- Let someone go ahead of me

4:33 PM -- Someone who saw me let someone go ahead of me takes advantage of my kindness² and goes ahead of me without my permission

4:34 PM -- Vow to never be nice to anyone ever again

4:35 PM -- Let someone go ahead of me

4:36 PM -- Make it out of the parking lot

4:38 PM -- Sit at a traffic light

4:39 PM -- Still sitting at the same goddamn traffic light, why can't they ever design an intersection that allows cars to get where they're going sometime before Thursday, and another thing, when did the traffic...

4:39 PM -- Light changes green. Mentally refer to the other drivers still sitting at the intersection as "suckers"

4:45 PM -- Reach the interstate.

4:50 PM -- Apply brakes.

4:53 PM -- Hey, it's new billboard day!

4:54 PM -- Engage in mental treatise about the state of modern advertising, and wonder why it all sucks

4:55 PM -- Apply brakes

4:56 PM -- Satellite radio doesn't work while stopped under a bridge. Sing the rest of Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend" anyway.

5:00 PM -- Wonder why no one has thought to sell drinks in traffic, suspect it's probably because "the man" put a stop to it

5:01 PM -- Wonder what "the man" has got against thirst-quenching, anyway

5:05 PM -- Apply brakes

5:10 PM -- Wonder why there are so many unattractive people on the interstate

5:15 PM -- Briefly panic when I realize my keys aren't in my pocket

5:16 PM -- Slap myself for my stupidity

5:18 PM -- Apply brakes

5:20 PM -- Swear that I'm buying a hovercar as soon as they come out

5:30 PM -- Arrive home to my loving family³

1 Except, of course, when they're not

2 Weakness

3 Which makes it all worth it

Just a slob like one of us...

2007-07-18T15:25:00.001-06:00

I think that if I ever met god (or is that God with a capital G?), he would look like Tom Jones. He'd have a great voice and be a snazzy dresser. He'd also be a hallucination, induced by a lack of oxygen in the brain because I'm choking on a poorly chewed piece of beef jerky.

This gym has so gone downhill...

2007-07-17T10:08:00.001-06:00

I'm a big kid now!

2007-07-13T07:59:00.000-06:00

So I'm at the end of what has been a mostly bad business trip. My work sent me to try to fix a piece of equipment in another office, about an hour and a half away by plane, just far enough to change time zones¹. While it's not technically the first time I've traveled for business (I slacked off at a convention in Orlando in March) it is the first time that I've traveled alone for business. When leaving, the park and fly place took forever to get me to the airport and I was not allowed to get on the flight. I had to switch to another flight. When I arrived, I got an email on my blackberry that the air conditioner was down in the remote office and most everyone had gone home. Also, because of the A/C issue, the piece of equipment I was sent to fix might not even be operable. After a madcap and zany race to find the office², I find it a deserted sauna. Someone was waiting for me, but they literally left within 20 minutes after I arrived. I stripped down to my sweaty undershirt³ and got to work. A few hours later, I had in my hands... a still quite broken piece of equipment⁴. So now I'm sitting at the busiest airport in the world desperately thinking of a way to not have to go back and replace this equipment⁵.

¹ Everyone knows that the Eastern Time Zone is the worst time zone, as all the good tv shows come on too late

² Everything's a big joke to you, isn't it, Mapquest?

³ Ladies, please, no woo-hooing

⁴ Yeah, it was anti-climatic to me, too.

⁵ Is anyone hiring?

Nobody knows the places I've lived..., well, except Jesus

2007-06-26T09:19:00.000-06:00

Someone famous who is now dead, possibly former President Howard H. Taft, once said that "the unexamined life is not worth living." I'm here to call malarky. Hold on, wait.... Well, malarky's not answering. Anyway, examining your life in great detail, such as one might do if they were filling out a very detailed background check form, is enough to make you depressed. Apparently, I have lived in so many different places in the last 7 years that the normal form that is provided is not long enough. Nor is the extension form. Two extension forms, plus the normal form, will just about cover it, however. And there's simply no room to write about that summer I slept in the area under the stairs (think Harry Potter, but with less magic and intrigue. Actually, no, nevermind, don't think Harry Potter, as it really isn't applicable).

If you're a person who works as a confirmer of background check forms, I think I have a new respect for you. If you're the person who actually ends up being the confirmer of my background form (it'll be the one written in crayons and smelling vaguely of Skittles), give me a call. I'll buy you a beer and regale you with stories of the time I lived in the kitchen pantry of former New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia

It would make me a happy camper

2007-06-21T19:36:00.000-06:00

I've always longed to say, "Guards, seize him!" but the opportunity hasn't presented itself.

Stop! Haiku Time!

2007-06-18T06:20:00.000-06:00

Ode to an Iphone:

Oh, IPhone! I want you
Not to have sex with, per se
But to have and hold

Also, apropos nothing, I start my new job today. So, to the two people who read this blog, specifically my wife and mom, wish me luck!

Finally, I have to confess that when people give me directions anywhere, I will pretend that I'm paying attention and then just Mapquest it later. It's nothing personal against your direction-giving skillz -- but try as you might, you cannot conjure satellite images overlaid with my route out of your ass. Or maybe you can, in which case a trip to the doctor is in order. Or not. That could be the beginnings of an awesome superpower.

Blogging, the drunk edition

2007-06-17T19:41:00.001-06:00

Oh, Yellowtail wine! Your Australian sassiness has done me in.

So, granted, I am not normally the wine type. I'm more the vodka-in-the-oatmeal kind of guy. But I picked up a bottle the other day. My wife took me to a fancy place the other night for dinner where there was free wine. Free as in, "you paid way too much for this dinner so we'll throw in some wine so you stop caring." I had previously picked up a bottle of Yellowtail Merlot because of its cheapness. My wife and I just finished it off. I should rephrase. I drank 90% of the bottle and she had the fumes.

Happy Father's Day.

She's like so whatever

2007-06-11T08:11:00.000-06:00

Lawmakers need to realize that we elected them (or simply failed to vote for their competitor) to get things done. Important things. The economy? Please. Terrorism? Come on now.

There is something going on so insidious, so widespread and yet under the radar, that you will not find a single CNN or Fox News story on it. Yet it affects tens of people. Simply put, there are people all over this great country getting made fun of for liking crappy songs.

My name is Doug, and I kinda like that "Girlfriend" song by Avril Lavigne. There, I said it. I'm loud, not exactly proud, but there you have it. And yet, were I to start a job interview with that, I would most likely NOT get the job! That's discrimination, clear and simple.

HR Resolution 567:

"Be it hereby resolved that it's okay if one should want to sing along in the car to Avril Lavigne or even that "Everytime we touch" song by Cascada. One shall not be called a 'nerd', 'teenage girl' (unless one is actually a teenage girl, both chronologically and biologically), or given a purple nurple. I'm looking at you, perceptions of presumed male behavior enforced by societal dictates. Need I remind you of your attendance at the September 23, 1991, New Kids on the Block: Hangin' Tough Tour? I know you still have that t-shirt in your closet. How do we know? It's called the CIA, suckah.

Also, it is hereby resolved that Democrats rule and Republicans drool. Eat it, Boehner."

Do something about this, Reps, or else we'll be singing, "Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your Representative. No way, No way, I think you need a new one."¹

1: More than likely, we will not be singing that. It's copyrighted or something, and besides, we'll look like total geeks.

Amino Acid Alphabet, an arguably aggrandized account

2007-06-10T18:30:00.000-06:00

While in the lab¹, pondering the chemical structure of Mexican food², it occurred to me that there are 20 proteinogenic amino acids while there are 26 letters in the alphabet. If you needed to send a message, you could assign a letter to each amino acid, minus vowels³. Build the appropriate DNA string to code for these amino acids in the appropriate order, put it in a capsule and embed it just under the skin of a spy. Once the spy reaches the recipient, the genetic material is removed and sequenced. The message is read.

Granted, it would much easier to encode an email message in some kind of asymmetric key encryption which requires thousands of computers and hundreds of hours to break. I'm sure Al Qaeda's not that sophisticated anyway - I hear that they suck at Halo⁴.

1: The bathroom

2: Expelling said Mexican food

3: Seriously, what have vowels ever done for you?

4: Oooh, burn!

Errata

2007-06-09T17:56:00.000-06:00

So I finally did get a new job. It was a long struggle that I hardly participated in. I had various job boards send me daily emails of new jobs. I applied to some occasionally. It made me feel better - I was being proactive. You are legally allowed to complain so long as you are doing something about it. I think that's from Psalms (pronounced "puh-soms"). But then a place actually called! They wanted an interview! This was terrible. I was going to have to actually do something. Obviously, they fell for my suave, sophisticated act. I'm sure it also didn't hurt that I was willing to work for less than an immigrant robot. I start on the 18th.

Where I work now, it's as though an entirely different person goes to work in my place. The person that sits in that office is a mute and anxious badger. But not a badger in the way that badgers are actually very dangerous and not at all to be messed with. More of a badger in the way of a small furry mammal. A small, furry mammal who longs to spend less time telling 80-year-old women how to push an appropriately labeled power button and more time swooping in at the last minute to save an entire IT infrastructure from the forces of that red guy from Tron.

I feel like it's the end of summer and a new school year will start soon. I've got a brand new Trapper Keeper. This is a chance for me to go to work, rather than sending in my furry lackey. Granted, my furry lackey makes a hell of a margarita. My wife warned me not to expect too much. So, much like prom night, I will lower my expectations. But I will try, at least a little bit.

Suspicious numbers

2007-05-11T20:25:00.000-06:00

I believe that I'm legally required as a blogger to post this:

09-f9-11-02-9d-74-e3-5b-d8-41-56-c5-63-56-88-c0

A brief explanation here, if you haven't heard. More here. Finally, you can be a part of the establishment* and get your own 128-bit integer!

*To be a part of the establishment, you must be an elderly white guy.

Correlation

2007-05-10T13:47:00.000-06:00

Correlation does not equal causation. That's all I have for today.

On filthy lying atheists...

2007-05-04T08:57:00.000-06:00

On a not entirely unrelated note, Newsweek conducted a poll. There's a lot in there, I'll quote:

14. Do you believe in God?

91%	Yes
6%	No

Nothing new there. This is consistent with most polls. But look at the very next question:

15. People who don't believe in God are called atheists. Do you personally know any atheists, or not?

49%	Yes
48%	No

I suspect someone is lying. How is it that half of the people all know the same few atheists? It's probably easier to come out of the closet as gay than it is to say that your atheist. At least gays had Will & Grace.

America, home of the ... Well, idiots?

2007-05-04T08:11:00.000-06:00

Every four years, almost like clockwork unless the Supreme Court gets involved, we in the US of A elect our president, the person who is, as leader of the most powerful nation on Earth, arguably the most powerful person on Earth. Essentially, it all boils down to a Republican vs a Democrat. Last night, the Republican hopefuls held their first televised debate. I didn't watch it, as I have grass growing in the yard and it is just fascinating, but I've read a bit about it this morning. I've mentally glossed over everything except for this one fact:

[...] on the issue of Evolution, the following three candidates raised their hands to indicate they did not believe in it: Sen. Sam Brownback, Gov. Mike Huckabee, Rep. Tom Tancredo.

How bizarre is that? It's almost as though a man goes in for a job interview for a doctor (fancypants though they may be, surely they still have to interview?) and indicates that he thinks that leeches and mercury baths are just the thing for that pesky illness. Which illness? What does it matter? They're all caused by demons.

How is that someone can be entirely science illiterate and still have some standing in the polls? Why is it okay to say that you don't believe in something that is literally the basis for modern biology? What if they didn't believe in gravity?

"Gravity? No, sir, I don't go in for those libral notions. The Bible don't say nothing about Einstein's general theory of relativity nor Newton's much simpler approximation laws of universal gravitation. Spacetime curved by matter? Nope, it's curved by Jesus."

Yes, I've threatened to move to Canada before. But so help me, if one of those guys gets to run the country, I'll... well, mostly just bitch and moan, really. Probably cry a lot. And then threaten to move to Canada. Do you think they're hiring?

On Employment-Related Lies

2007-04-27T18:51:00.000-06:00

So I had a job interview today. I don't want my current employer finding out, but then again, nobody reads this so I think I'll be okay. I could reveal national secrets for all it matters. Actually, are you ready? Dick Cheney is a robot. Sorry, you're right, I did say 'secrets'.

Well, it was only a first interview, which doesn't really count. All that happens at the first interview is they check to make sure you can actually tie your shoes.

"Are your shoes tied? No, wait, you just used bread ties. Nice try; maybe you'll do well in management."

Why do employers even bother with interviews anymore? It's all just a pack of lies. I lie to them about how awesome I am, they lie to me about their workplace. "Come work here! Our interns are actually just pinatas made out of candy!" What a bunch of crap. I only saw one intern pinata, and it was the really cheap candy.

"What would you say your biggest weakness is?"
"I work entirely too hard."

It's better that than they know my real weakness - I am a fool for the taste of puppies.

Crushing Finality

2007-04-10T15:52:00.000-06:00

There's something very intimidating about having a blank area to record your thoughts, as I am doing now. Young people and idiots do not seem to have this problem. I cite the history of the internet. Up until a year I will now make up, say 2003, 87% of the internet consisted almost entirely of random insults ("u are teh suck" and the like) and "meteallica rulez!!!11!". Things have only slightly improved. Young people and idiots still abound, but now there are more places to buy Viagra. 4-less, even.

Ah, yes, the point. I thought I might get around to it eventually.

I realized that I didn't maintain this blog because it is very difficult to be consistently entertaining. And that's why anyone does this whole blog thing. You want to get good at it (by good, I mean get paid handsomely for doing very little actual work) and have millions of total strangers be enthralled by your every word. The method varies - some rely on humor, some on expressing some facet of the human element (although I initially despised that phrase, it is quite useful to the intellectually lazy such as myself). Take my wife's blog - although she is my wife, and I have to say nice things or shower alone, I do admire her ability to just say, "Yes, hello, I am human, I have foibles." I also admire her use of the word "foible".

Which all leads me to ask what I am contributing to the conversation. The answer is essentially very little. Still, is contribution actually necessary? I have learned in my few years here that saying nothing is a way to garner others admiration of ones intellect. I am, in fact, a mildly mentally handicapped chimp, but I manage to hold down a job and drive a car. I can also operate chopsticks with my feet, which does not make one as popular at China Garden as you might think. But nobody remembers the quiet ones and who wants to die unremembered? They call it a memorial for a reason. Actually, I'm okay with that. I don't mind if, at my funeral, the animatronic robot of Aaron Burr who is presiding over the service decides to end things early to hit the buffet. The lines at those things can be insane.

On dreams...

2006-12-07T13:24:00.000-06:00

I swear to FSM I dreamed this the other night:

Freud would have a freakin' field day!

On children...

2006-11-10T09:39:00.000-06:00

While playing with my nine-week-old (child) this morning, it occured to me that babies and old people kinda look the same. See if you agree. On the left is my son. On the right is veteran funnyman Abe Vigoda.

It's eerie, ain't it?